For the Record

Today I don't have any cute pictures to post. But, I do have something that I can't quite get out of my mind.

Please know that there is NOT any part of me that thinks I have it all figured out. There are some days that I feel as though I have NOTHING figured out!

I think sometimes people sit back and look at other Christians and say "wow, so and so must really love God". But, the second they do something that is "not so Christian", they think...and she or he is a Christian?

Please know that if you are going to be a part of my life, there are MESS ups that I make every single day and I am ALWAYS going to let you down when compared to other people's "perfect" vision of the Christian life. Only Christ is and was perfect! I was reminded today that He was God's perfect lamb that was sent to earth to be slain for us...for our sins.

I DO love God with ALL of my heart and try to follow after Him every step of the way!

Recently, if you have spent anytime with me...you know that I am struggling with something that I really don't know what to do. God has asked me to do something I didn't and some days, don't want to do. He made it very clear to both Jason and I that it was what we were supposed to do...BUT it was not my idea nor my picture for what I thought my life was supposed to look like.

To be honest, I don't even have a vision for what the outcome should look like. In my life, when things get difficult, I always try and vision what it will look like on the other side of the "storm" and that is what always seems to get me through. But, this time there is no picture...I feel as though I am just blindly following. For me...Mrs. Bossy pants, always in charge...that is scarier than seeing that I am about to hit a brick wall.

The same thing has played in my head for at least 6 months now...it comes to me at the oddest times..."How long will I trust God, if He is not answering my prayers fast enough or He is not answering them the way I thought they should be answered?"

Do I have faith like Sarah and Abraham? Do I have the faith of my grandma who prayed for my grandpa to come to church for over 20 years? Has my Christian walk been ok because I have trusted God? Or has my walk been ok, because God has not truly ever challenged my faith?

This last year or so, Jason and I have both felt as though we were being sifted like wheat. Yes, we have come out better, but when is the sifting going to cease? I guess the answer to that is... when are we going to truly rest in our relationship with God?

I am reading a great book right now and last night I ended with... "Jesus' call to commitment is clear: He wants all or nothing. The thought of a person calling himself a "Christian" without being a devoted follower of Christ is absurd."

Devoted is a strong word and today I just don't know how I am measuring up.

By the way, over the past 5 days, I have begun to let go of my ideas for this situation and through that, God has shown me some cool things.